Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Sweatpants Madness

It's our favorite time of year. March is like a sport fans Christmas, New Years and Fourth of July wrapped up in a nice little box. It a beautiful thing.

Like most of you we are spending long hours staring at our brackets and cramming in a seasons worth of evaluation into 4 days. We're trying to figure out if the Wofford's backcourt can handle the slow deliberate playing style of Wisconsin. Or whether we should listen to one of the many talking heads' analysis of Notre Dame vs Old Dominion or follow Ken Pomeroy and his tempo ratings tell us. Needless to say it's called March Madness for a reason.

So while all the stat heads are working late nights to create that perfect bracket and find just the right 12-5 and 13-4 upsets so they can take down their office pool, Productive Sweatpants is here to offer you the perfect solution for those games you're just not sure of.

The crack team of college basketball analysts here at PS took a deep dive into the bracket. Using the very latest Sweatpantsian logic found the winners to each game all the way up to the National Championship. We've employed the now stereotypical "office girl who wins every year" method of choosing the game. We've based it all on the battle of the mascots.

So grab your brackets. Get your white out ready. And prepared to be blown away.

Midwest Region
Round 1
#1 KU Jayhawks vs #16 Lehigh Mountain Hawks
In this battle of the birds it was easy to come up with a winner. Mountian Hawks sound way more ferocious than Jayhawks. What the hell is a Jayhawk anyway? Mountain Hawks move on.

#2 Ohio State Buckeyes vs #15 UCSB Gauchos
Come on. Unless the Gauchos in their kick ass pants choke on one of those Ohio nuts, this is a no brainer. Gauchos in a rout.

#3 Georgetown Hoyas vs #14 Ohio Bobcats
Apparently Hoyas are bulldogs. Why not just be called the Bulldogs? I don't get it. They must be hiding something. Either way a Bobcat totally destroys a Bulldog in a fight. Bobcats advance.

#4 Maryland Terrapins vs #13 Houston Cougars
Even if this was a battle between old women who chase young men verses turtles it still wouldn't be a contest. Fear the turtle? How bout fear being placed on your back. Piece of cake, Cougars win.

#5 Michigan State Spartans vs #12 New Mexico St Aggies
Seriously state schools, no imagination. There are three Aggies in the field this year. You lose just based on having zero creativity. I won't even go into the Gerard Butler angle for this one, Spartans live another day.

#6 Tennessee Volunteers vs #11 San Diego St Aztecs
Finally a sweet battle. Man those Aztecs were some barbaric mo fos. And coon skin caps ain't stopping no spears or flying rocks. Aztecs exact their revenge.

#7 Oklahoma St Cowboys vs #10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
"Bees! Bees everywhere! You're weapons are useless against them." Well we don't think so. Cowboys have to deal with worse stuff than bees. Cowboys keep dancing.

#8 UNLV Runnin Rebels vs #9 Northern Iowa Panthers
Runnin Rebels just sounds like they'd be drunk as all hell and shooting their guns all over the place. Panthers are pretty bad ass but against drunken dudes with guns I don't think they make it. Rebs keep firing.

Round 2
#16 Lehigh Mountian Hawks vs #8 UNLV Runnin Rebels
Birds really? They just destroyed freaking Panthers. Rebels keep drinking.

#15 UCSB Gauchos vs #7 Oklahoma St Cowboys
In a battle that should be more of a rodeo than a basketball game we like the Gauchos flair but USA! USA! USA! Cowboys woo hoo!

#14 Ohio Bobcats vs #11 San Diego St Aztecs
We just took a look at the Bobcats mascot and he looks like Bobby Bearcat. That just cemented the fact that Aztecs would totally destroy Bobcats. How dare you steal NWMSU mascot! Aztecs sacrifice the Bobcats.

#5 Michigan State Spartans vs #4 Houston Cougars
Really? You have to ask? Spears and shields carry the day and Sparta celebrates with steaks and fur rugs.

Sweet 16
#8 UNLV Runnin Rebels vs #5 Michigan State Spartans
By this time the Rebs have to be either hammered out of their minds or hung over to the bejesus. Spartans full and well rested after last round win with ease.


#11 San Diego St Aztecs vs #7 Oklahoma St Cowboys
Maybe it's just that the Aztecs are more exotic. I'm sure they would've seen the Cowboys guns and gotten scared thinking the Cowboys were gods and took off, but something tells me the Cowboy lack of discipline would hurt them here. Aztecs scrape by


Elite 8
#5 Michigan State Spartans vs #11 San Diego St Aztecs
Now we're talking. There are actually internet thread discussing this very battle. I'm not kidding. Really people spend their time thinking about fictitious battle between different characters? Pshaw! Um. Yeah. Anyway. "THIS IS SPARTA" biznitches, Michigan State to the Final Four.


West Region
Round 1
#1 Syracuse Orange vs #16 Vermont Catamounts
Ten bonus points for anyone who can tell us what both of these are? Anybody? Yeah we had to do some searching. Catamounts are apparently mountain lion-like cats. And as far as we can tell Oranges are just that. Catamounts squeeze the Orange for the victory


#2 Kansas State Wildcats vs #15 North Texas Mean Green
Seriously with the colors here. Nature verse art again, Wildcats advance.


#3 Pittsburgh Panthers vs #14 Oakland Golden Grizzlies
Golden Grizzlies. They could've just been the Grizzlies, but took it to another level. Golden Grizz advance.


#4 Vanderbilt Commodores vs #13 Murray St Racers
Here he comes, here come Speed Racer. He's a demon on..thbbbert! The Racers? Not even like auto racing. They're horse racers. Jockeys. I'm not making this up, check it. It's a freaking basketball game! Jockeys lose.


#5 Butler Bulldogs vs #12 UTEP Miners
It's not that we don't like Bulldogs. We do. They're a fighting breed. But a pick axe to the head will stop on pretty much cold. Miners move on.


#6 Xavier Musketeers vs #11 Minnesota Golden Gophers
As cool as it was for Oakland, Minnesota fails miserably. A golden gopher? Really? Way to aim for the sky Minnesota. Musketeers swash buckle their way to the next round.


#7 BYU Cougars vs #10 Florida Gators
This was a tough one. So we took to the web. Found this. And that was that. Gators roll on.


#8 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs #9 Florida State Seminoles
Ok if you are a Bulldog owner, we're sorry really. They are just not getting favorable match ups. Ask any coach and they will tell you it's all about the match up in the Big Dance. Seminoles are on the warpath.

Round 2
#16 Vermont Catamounts vs #9 Florida State Seminoles
I'm pretty sure this actually took place at some point in time. And I"m pretty sure Bobby Bowden saw it. Seminoles win.

#2 Kansas State Wildcats vs # 10 Florida Gators
Gators are just taking care of the feline kingdom one at a time. Even though Willy is some sort of Centaur-like catman, we all know they can't swim. Gators prevail.

#12 UTEP Miners vs #4 Vanderbilt Commodores
We'll let the Miners get back to work after this one. Commodores easily destroy the Miners as they actually know how to fight and have such stylish hats. Commodores sail on.

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs #14 Golden Grizzlies
Unless they are that polar bear from The Golden Compass, we don't think the Grizz survive this one. Too many swords swipes for them to handle. Musketeers thrust forward.

Sweet 16
#9 Florida State Seminoles vs #4 Vanderbilt Commodores
In the battle of who can wear the most feathers, we like the less fancy Seminoles. Their use of feathers is somehow natural, where the Commodores...weeeelllll? Seminoles advance.

#6 Xavier Musketeers vs #10 Florida Gators
Finally a superior opponent for the Gators. Unless it was a surprise attack, we think the Musketeers nimbly survive.

Elite 8
#9 Florida State Seminoles vs #6 Xavier Musketeers
Well you knew it was coming: "One for all and all for one!" Musketeers band together and charge on.

East Region
Round 1
#1 Kentucky Wildcats vs #16 E. Tennessee St Buccaneers
The number one seeds in this thing are suffering. Buccaneers easily take care of the wildcats.

#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs #15 Morgan St Bears
I'm quiet certain this battle still happens today. Mountaineers get new coats for the winter.

#3 New Mexico Lobos vs #14 Montana Grizzlies
Maybe if they were golden we could've moved them on. Too many dogs in the pack for these Grizzlies.

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs #13 Wofford Terriers
Terriers? Seriously?

#5 Temple Owls vs #12 Cornell Big Red
Big Red bears that is. Owls in all their wisdom just can't outsmart the Cornell Big Read.

#6 Marquette Golden Eagles vs #11 Washington Huskies
Golden or not, the Huskies are way too smart to be taken by some birds. Huskies keep running.

#7 Clemson Tigers vs #10 Missouri Tigers
In this battle of like mascots the only thing to do is look at their logos. A paw print vs that screaming tiger. M I Z...Z O U! Bad ass black tiger wins.

#8 Texas Longhorns vs #9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Demon Deacons. Think about that for a second. Even in their top hats they frighten us. The Deacons get fat on steak and move on.

Round 2
#16 E Tennessee St Buccaneers vs #9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Their demons man. Demons. The Buccaneers in their fancy hats can't handle it. The Deacons keep dancing.

#2 West Virginia Mountaineers vs #10 Missouri Tigers
Again with animal eating mountain men verse nature. Fire up the shine boys the Mountaineers take another one.

#11 Washington Huskies vs #3 New Mexico Lobos
North verse South in this dog fight. Wolves and their domestic ancestors. We're going with evolution here and believe the Huskies carry the day but just barely.

#4 Wisconsin Badgers vs #12 Cornell Big Red
Little bears verse big bears. We'll take the real bears thank you very much.

Sweet 16
#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs #12 Cornell Big Red
Look they are spirits man. Spirits. How do you beat them? Sorry Bears. Deacons keep preaching the word.

#11 Washington Huskies vs #2 West Virginia Mountaineers
Again with the animals. So lets see the Mountaineers now complete their five course gourmet dinner. Oh you don't think they eat dog in West Virginia. Have you been there?

Elite 8
#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs #2 West Virginia Mountaineers
The one thing I do know about the Appalachian Mountain People is that they are a religious breed. No way they withstand this mind screw. Demon Deacons are haunting the Final Four.

South Regional
Round 1
#1 Duke Blue Devils vs #16 Arkansas Pine Bluff Golden Lions
Only if the Lion was C.S. Lewis' Lion. But somehow I don't think that is the case. Blue Devils win.

#2 Villanova Wildcats vs #15 Robert Morris Colonials
It's been a long winter and the Colonials are hungry. Bob and the crew move on.

#3 Baylor Bears vs #14 Sam Houston St Bearkats
Bearkats, with a K. Really. You lose just for not knowing how to spell.

#4 Purdue Boilermakers vs #13 Siena Saints
Yeah there is a shot named after Purdue. The Saints do not march anywhere but home.

#5 Texas A&M Aggies vs #12 Utah St Aggies
In our most unimaginative match up we had to look at how each school represented on the field of battle. Utah St chose: a bull. Strong and mean. A&M chose: a collie. Jesus, Lassie, really? Utah St charges on.

#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs #11 Old Dominion Monarchs
In this fierce European political battle we would've sided with the Monarchs. But, it's St. Patty's day. Viva la Irish!!!

#7 Richmond Spiders vs #10 St. Mary's Gaels
We're picturing that the Spiders are just like those ones in Arachnophobia. Birds don't stand a chance.

#8 California Golden Bears vs #9 Louisville Cardinals
Look I get that as far as birds go Cardinals are pretty bad ass. But they're birds. Not even prehistoric birds. I can kill them with a BB Gun.

Round 2
#1 Duke Blue Devils vs #8 California Golden Bears
Again Devils. As in from Hell. Gold melts. Devils continue spreading their evil.

#15 Robert Morris Colonials vs #7 Richmond Spiders
Without John Goodman we're afraid the Colonials couldn't handle the Spiders.

#12 Utah St Aggies vs #4 Purdue Boilermakers
Farmers vs Engineers. We'll take the engineers.

#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs #3 Baylor Bears
If only the Irish brought more than their curled up fists. Bear rumble on.

Sweet 16
#1 Duke Blue Devils vs #4 Purdue Boilermakers
We're sorry supernatural shit scares us half to death. Even if they're nicknamed the Dukies.

#7 Richmond Spiders vs #3 Baylor Bears
Sorry Bears, you wouldn't stand a chance against these evil little bastages.

Elite 8
#1 Duke Blue Devils vs #7 Richmond Spiders
The spiders are the Devils pets. Subservient, they head back into their evil little cages. 

Final Four
#5 Michigan State Spartans vs #6 Xavier Muskateers
Better movie 300 or Man in the Iron Mask? Yeah we thought so too. Spartans advance to the championship game.

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs #1 Duke Blue Devils
In this battle for supernatural supremacy the combination of good and evil of the deacons intrigued us. But at the end of the day, devils rank ahead of demons in the hierarchy of Hell. Blue Devils ascend.

Championship Game
#5 Michigan State Spartans vs #1 Duke Blue Devils
Surprisingly this game could actually happen. And if it does you'll be kicking yourself that you didn't head our advice. Despite defeating Xerxes who thought he was a god, the Devils are actually gods. Don't think the Spartans over come this one. Ladies and Gentlemen your 2010 NCAA Champions: Duke Blue Devils

No comments: